Sunday, January 29, 2006

Fundamental Thoughts About Fundamentalism

This "open letter to Dr Laura" can readily be found on the internet but it bears to be posted and/or repeated (over and over again). Remember kids: fundamentalists come in all shapes & colours and don't all wear beards and turbans.

Dear Dr Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you however, regarding some of the specific laws and how best to follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:&. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15: 19 - 24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev 25: 44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

f) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

g) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev19:27. How should they die?

h) I know from Lev. 11:6 - 8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves.

i) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of threads (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24: 10 - 16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? Lev 20:14.

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.....


Anonymous your brother (not your brother in the lord, but your actual brother, knarf) said...

Do you think this is funny? God will, indeed get you for that.

10:36 p.m.  
Anonymous again, your actual brother, le knarf said...

...or, possibly, she won't care (God, that is...)

10:39 p.m.  
Blogger woman wandering said...

Ohhh, it's funny beyond words really ... God probably won't be able to 'get her' due to laughing cramps. God will say, 'Her taste in posting things for the wider world is exquisite, I'll let her rock on and amuse my general public.'

May God continue to channel humourous things your way Cat, so that you might bring light and laughter to the world ;-)

12:55 p.m.  
Blogger knarf said...

well said, o wandering woman! I'd like to think that if there is a god, She has a sense of humour and a tast for the exotic. :-)

7:06 p.m.  

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