Sunday, February 26, 2006

Boxers or Briefs?

I often wallow in self-deprecating cesspools of depression for the simple fact that I have found no lucrative and/or critically appreciative market for what passes in me as creativity or talent. The fact that I'm inordinately lazy adds to my general sense of despondence. Usually it's a quirky book of beauty and humour which sends me into a tailspin - Wilton Barnhardt's Gospel put me in a blue funk for weeks. Give up, C in R, I told myself - with a book like this in existence, what was the point in writing? - it's been done - he wrote my book. Based on my academic background and own predeliction for squirrelling away bits of recondite arcana, I should have written the Da Vinci Code - but I didn't, did I? Why? - good question. So good in fact, that I'll still be asking myself that very question as their screwing the bolts into my coffin lid.

But what really sends me over the Precipice of Doubt & Self-Loathing are those whose cunning little brains concoct something so absurdly innane that success is virtually guaranteed. Case in point: underthings for your Mp3 player. I suppose that sexualizing our children wasn't enough - now we are forced to consider the cleavages & crotches of our home electronics. So, for a scant $23.99 U.S., you can buy a limited (one can only hope) edition corset for your inanimate piece of metal - or for an additional $8, you can pick up an Ed Norton-like undershirt. Now you can ask: does your Mp3 wear boxers or briefs - but surely a gentleman - even a blue metallic one - never tells.

Now why didn't I think of that? Fuck writing a bestselling novel - I could have stayed at home one weekend and stitched up a couple of Y-fronts and made my billion. But I didn't. Why? - because I'm not in the game, I don't have the edge. If you need further proof of the innovative genius which I clearly do not possess, take a shufti at the trailblazing design for the ghost costume from the 2005 Hallowe'en line, which retails for a mindboggling $39.99 (okay, it does come with a gravestone which "may vary from the photo"). Wow a sheet - that's thinking outside the box. Mock though I may, these couturiers of crap are evidence that if god exists, he is either a sadist, a trickster or a moron. I am a Salieri ("I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint") to their Mozart.

As it is, I feel like a complete turd because I haven't sprung for a jaunty French beret or a sexed-up merry widow for my Mp3 player; they deliver overseas after all.

I'm off to kill myself with something blunt.

6 Comments:

Blogger woman wandering said...

I know ...

On a lighter note ... if you were Dan Brown, you would be in court as I write this ... accused of stealing ideas from a book written by historians 20 years ago ... woe is he, eh wot. I can't see how these claims can hold up however who knows in these days of underwear for electronics.

But location!!! You have location, I have bleak winterised Europe and I feel so useless in my 'between countries' state.

There ... did that help? Probably not but I wanted to try.

Take care of yourself, you're good, someone will realise. :)

11:38 AM  
Blogger knarf said...

You are truly the Kramer of our time - remember his scent, The Beach, later stolen by Calvin Klein (speaking of underwear - nice segue back to your topic, no?)?

You're like me - the idea person, who needs an engineering department to bring the brilliance to fruition.

Like me, you'll die poor, but at least you'll be able to hold your head high and say: "Perhaps I never made six figures, but at least I was never in sales..."

12:58 PM  
Blogger woman wandering said...

Oh bravo ... lol, knarf says it so much better!

2:40 PM  
Blogger Cat in Rabat ( كات في الرباط) said...

WW: Is it true or are you just saying that to make me feel better? I hope that Dan will have to cough up a few of his gazillions.

3:54 PM  
Blogger woman wandering said...

The Dan story is true ... did you ever read Katherine Neville's 'The Eight', just btw?

I wouldn't mind Dan coughing on me if it involved millions ... sigh.

5:51 PM  
Blogger Cat in Rabat ( كات في الرباط) said...

Haven't read The Eight. Will do some digging. Thanks for the tip!

10:22 PM  

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