Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Dog's Days & Dogma

The Dog Days ... "when the seas boiled, wine turned sour, dogs grew mad, and all creatures became languid, causing to man burning fevers, hysterics, and phrensies"* ... have arrived in Rabat, and they're barking in full force. Simply put, it is stinking hot and equally stinking humid. So yesterday, in what would prove to be a futile attempt to combat Rabat's current weather woes and to briefly escape the travails of packing, Mr. Cat in Rabat & I ducked into stinking hot and equally stinking humid café for a beer, gin & tonic, Smirnoff Ice glass of orange juice with our friend and fellow gin & tonic poker-aficionado Mr. N.

During one of my many rants, I apparently gesticulated wildly (which I often do) and took the name of Allah - if not in vain - then in some other capacity (which I often do) which had the affect of raising Mr. N's eyebrows. Being passably omniscient, he advised me that, betwixt gesture & declaration, I had effectively converted to Islam. "Now you'll have to choose a Muslim name," he added ever so sagely.

Like many of the world's disgruntled malcontents, I am not terribly partial to my name and would embrace the opportunity of choosing one anew with metaphorical open arms. What name should I choose? The three of us began to deliberate, brainstorming every female name common to Morocco, but it soon became apparent that there weren't too many we all liked, let alone could all agree upon. Quite simply, too many names sounded like an expectoration produced after a long night of pub hopping. Finally we agreed that it might be more entertaining quicker if we just decided on which name we hated the most and a nanosecond later it was a fait accompli.

I am Kautar.

In the quest for the least beautiful Muslim woman's name, Kautar serves 2 purposes: each & every 'Kautar' I have taught has been a conniving weasel and secondly, the name itself is resonant of bovine excrement (ergo, bad name & bad mental association). I briefly considered Rim (which just made all of us giggle) but all of my Rims have been lovely and I was reluctant to sully those memories. So Kautar it is.

Of course, every Kautar needs a mate, so we decided that Mr. CinR needed to be muslimed christened with an appropriately dissonant name and after several helpful suggestions from Mr. N., we dubbed him Bilal. In the quest for the least beautiful Muslim man's name, Bilal serves 2 purposes: each & every 'Bilal' I have taught has been a complete ignoramus and secondly, the name itself is resonant of the act of regurgitation (ergo, bad name & bad auditory association).

So there you have it: Kautar & Bilal. A union a shit names; the stuff of true love stories.

Now I understand that, strictly speaking, I didn't convert to Islam yesterday afternoon because my oaths & adjurations bore little resemblance to the act of witnessing to the supremacy of Allah (and his messenger) which, I believe, Islam normally requires of its proselytes. This flight of fancy was probably just a whim of the weather, of where your mind meanders when your ass is sticking to the polyurethane seats of a stinking hot and equally stinking humid café, producing farting noises whenever you try to reposition yourself.

*from Brady’s Clavis Calendarium


Blogger knarf said...

With Mr. C in R - oops, I mean Bilal, are you ~sure~ they were farting ~noises~?

As opposed to the real thing?

I hear it can be a (wait for it)...

...Medical Condition!!!!!!

8:16 p.m.  
Blogger Cat in Rabat ( كات في الرباط) said...

Well, he assured me at the time that it was the polyurethane seats but now that I think about it ...

8:17 p.m.  
Blogger Sarah said...

The heat here (Marrakech) is why I haven't left the house during the day in over a week... it's already 30 degrees and it's only quarter past ten in the morning! *dies*

10:17 a.m.  
Anonymous Myrtus said...

Hah! Now that you're a Muslima, did you know that the first ever muazzin to call Muslims to prayer was named Bilal?

I thought of him because I know how much you luuuv those early morning wake-up calls too. (;

1:35 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

فاطمه زهرا و حضرت علی در جهاد سازندگی
الله در سوره بقره آيه 223 فرموده است:

نِسَآؤُكُمْ حَرْثٌ لَّكُمْ فَأْتُواْ حَرْثَكُمْ أَنَّى شِئْتُمْ وَقَدِّمُواْ لأَنفُسِكُمْ وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ وَاعْلَمُواْ أَنَّكُم مُّلاَقُوهُ وَبَشِّرِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ.
زنانتان کشتزار شما هستند. هر طور که خواهيد به کشتزار خود درآييد. و براي خويش از پيش چيزي فرستيد و از خدا بترسيد و بدانيد که به نزد او خواهيد شد.

حديث اول در رابطه با اين آيه:
اليوم من الايام فاطمة الزهرا بنت رسول اشتب بالمنزل الرسول الله. رسول الله اسئلت وات هپن؟ قال فاطمة علي ولي الله اريد ان ادخل الي منقب مع کله. رسول الله قال علي يا علي واي يو آر فاکينگ ماي بنت مع اليور هد؟ قال علي آيه 223 ف ان ادخل بيکاز الله قال ادخل من هر طريق يو لاو.
رسول الله قال علي: المرديکه فاطمة لا کنيز شي ايز ماي بنت. لا فاکينگ فاطمه مع الکله فاک شي باي مامله القضيب.

در روزي از روزها فاطمه با شتاب به منزل رسول الله آمد و پشت سرش علي با سرعت داخل شد. فاطمه گفت پدر کمک علي مي خواهد با کله وارد منقب من شود . رسول الله بانگ زد علي تو چه مرگت شده؟
حضرت علي آيه 223 را خواند و گفت الله گفته هر طور که خواستيد وارد مزرعه خود شويد من هم با کله مي خواستم وارد شوم.
رسول الله فرمود خاک برسرت منظور خدا مامله ات بود نه کله اين کنيز جنگي نيست که هر طور خواستي بگايي.

حديث دوم:

روزي از روزها حضرت علي در منزل بانک زد يا فاطمة الزهرا اي مزرعه من بيا که مي خواهم تو را شخم بزنم. پس حضرت طي يک طرح جهادي به سرعت حاضر شد چرا که جهاد زن خوب شوهر داري است و بايد خود را در اختيار شوهرش بگذارد تا شوهر هرگونه لذتي ببرد.

فاطمه زهرا روي زمين دراز کشيد و علي روي فاطمه خوابيد مشغول شخم زدن شد.

شخم زدن که تمام شد فاطمه گفت يا علي ولي الله بر من بادمجان بکار. حضرت فرمود بادمجان کار من نباشد تو را به مساقات به بلال حبشي يا ابول اسود دودولي دهم تا بادمجان بر تو بکارد.

حضرت مشغول کاشت خيار شد. مدتي که گذشت حضرت مي خواست عبادت را به اتمام برساند ولي فاطمه زهرا ذکر وتسبيح گويان به ادامه عبادت مشتاق بود.

گفت يا علي بر من کدو بکار حضرت بر فاطمه کدو کاشت . زهرا فرمود يا علي هندوانه هم مي خواهم حضرت هندوانه نيز کاشت. به همين نحو تمام شب را حضرت به زراعت پرداخت انواع صيفي جات را بر زهرا نشا کرد و از براي ذوالجنان اسب وفادار فرزند فاطمه يونجه و شبدر نيز کاشتندي.

نخلستانهاي متعددي نيز از براي تهيه خرما بر زهرا فرو نشاندي تا اينکه حضرت علي کلافه شدندي و چون فاطمه از علي خواست جهت استفاده از سايه چناري نيز بر او بنشاند حضرت به يک باره بلند شد و بر کس فاطمه ريد.

فاطمه عصباني و شگفت زده گفت يا ولي الله چه کردي؟

حضرت علي فرمود يا فاطمة الزهرا هر مزرعه که چنين پر محصول باشد نياز به کود مناسب جهت تقويت محصول دارد و اينچنين بود که علي خود را از اين کار زراعت طاقت فرسا نجات دادندي تا انرژي کسب کردندي و شبي ديگر ذوالفقار بر کشيده فاطمه را به جهاد خوانده او را شخم زده و صيفي و چنار بر فاطمه نشا کند.


Fatima Zahra Bente Rasoul Allah NGO

10:10 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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[url=http://www.simplymorocco.com/] SimplyMorocco.com [/url]

11:50 p.m.  

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